The New Normal

(repost from Jan. 2009)

I am a debater by default (not always out loud…but always in my mind). Maybe it’s my nature to play Devil’s Advocate…maybe I’m wired up that way…or maybe it’s a character flaw. It’s not uncommon for someone to spend a great deal of time thinking and planning an idea…present the idea…only for me to shoot holes in the entire thing…thinking up every possible reason for their proposal to fail. Sometimes I speak them out loud…sometimes I remain mute. It always depends on the situation and how confident I feel in my reasoning. I don’t pick fights…I never have. I’m not good at fighting anyway…however I do feel self-assured in my ability to communicate my point if I deem it necessary to speak up.

And then that’s where I get in trouble.

Oftentimes when the “battle” is over…um…I mean the discussion…there appears a victor. Someone has prevailed at making their point, and in their own eyes, they have “convinced” the opposing party that their idea was the better of the two…especially since the opposition has retreated…um…I mean…has been quieted and shut down. Because if their point was worth fighting for, then surely they would continue fighting! Right!?! And the more they fight…well…the stronger I become in my resolve…the more they persist (or resist, from my perspective) the more I hurl at them! Stand up and fight…or sit down and shut up!!!!

Well…

…being on both sides of these debates now…and being surrounded by equally impressive (or oppressive) debaters…I am no longer convinced that I want to continue with this “skill” anymore. I love to give my opinion…but I’ve learned that if it’s not asked for…then they probably really don’t want to hear it. No more shutting folks down or using my “abilities” to silence the group…just so I can be heard…just so I can make my point. No more yelling from the rooftops or quietly and calmly destroying an initiative by picking it apart line by line. My ideas are not better because I’m the loudest at the table…or the most persuasive…or the most domineering…or because I have more facts and data, flip charts, and power point presentations…Just because I win the fight…it doesn’t mean that I am right.

If I have learned anything in my 35 years of life…it is that I need to listen more and talk less. A couple of my favorite proverbs from the Bible encourage me in this pursuit:

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” Proverbs 17:27

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

I don’t think I’m alone here…I’m not gonna make this about anyone else…but I’m sure there are others out there that sit around Board tables and/or kitchen tables trying to make decisions…best decisions…yet they might not be willing to listen to the best ideas.

Just something to ponder…